bigfatfae: Krissy as Misery in the style of Cave Story icons~ (Default)

November 2014

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bigfatfae: Krissy as Misery in the style of Cave Story icons~ (Default)
[personal profile] bigfatfae
I've always loved words. Words, numbers, symbols... The ways in which we communicate have always fascinated me, and I've always felt at home using my words, and understanding the words of others. Did you know that that's the real problem with most communication? We say one thing and the intended recipient receives a different message because they interpret it differently. The words they hear are different than the words we say. Some would say it's because of the erosion of our language, but honestly, I think this is a natural thing. We all live inside of our minds, we all learn from different sources. Standardization is a doomed process.

So the ability to decipher what a person MEANS as opposed to what a person SAYS is of absolute importance to me.

Similarly, the ability to change my words until they click with the person reading them is important to me. It's likely why I've always preferred instant messengers of journal services like this one. The ability to refine my thoughts through multiple iterations, to check a person's understanding, to ensure we're all on the same page... But at the end of the day, regardless of what medium I'm communicating through, I've always had faith in my ability to transpose my thoughts in a way that most people will be able to understand.

When I was younger, I picked up vocabulary at a startling rate compared to my peers. As a child, the most common thing for me to hear was "What does mean?". I nearly failed most of my English courses due to inability to focus on reading projects. Reading comprehension was never difficult, I always understood what a sentence meant if I could be bothered enough to read it. But my ability to comprehend language was never questioned. I still am bitter at the American school system for this reason. How could a child fully capable of understanding the basic principals of what was being taught be skipped over entirely and dismissed? ADD/ADHD are still my most likely culprits, beyond the general inefficiency of the school system.

This has always bothered me. Because while I was certainly above average compared to children my age, as I grew up, the field leveled out a bit. And now as an adult, I lack many of the more advanced qualities of a good writer. I have intuited many useful words and idioms, I understand the basics of sentence structure, but I still don't know how to diagram a sentence. My vocabulary likely isn't any higher than average for my current age. I've barely read any books in comparison to my current peers, and especially those that I look up to... But the worst of it is that it feels like I need to move heaven and earth to get myself to write. Once I start, I can manage a burst of energy that takes me through a small project to completion. And further: that burst of energy is one of the hardest things to acquire. Actually getting myself to start is near impossible, it feels. And larger projects? Actually impossible. If the burst of energy doesn't complete the project, then picking it back up is even harder. If I can't complete it in the span of a few hours, then I may as well not start it.

But the thing is? Like I said at the beginning... I love words. I love communication in general. I love stories and I love symbols and I love sharing thoughts. I love all of it, I love everything words are. And I just... I struggle to write even something like this, until suddenly it all comes pouring forth, nearly effortlessly. Because finding the words isn't the problem. My words aren't arranged with any particularly fantastic craftsmanship, I am not a grand student or genius... Hell, I'd be stretching it to say I'm even 'above average'. But I truly do love words, and I love knowing that I've communicated an idea to somebody. It's an important aspect of my soul. So it's something I wish to fix. I want my head to clear up so that I can actually write, so that I can share my thoughts with all of you.
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